Opinion | Chinese Family Dinner 101: Non-Chinese Partners, Here’s How to Avoid Offending the In-Laws

But there’s one last hurdle that will test the compatibility of your relationship: meeting and eating with family. Oh, and the wild card? You’re Chinese, your lover isn’t.

“Are White Husbands Invited?” My Chinese friends like to share this private joke in our WhatsApp group whenever we plan to meet.

To clarify: “White husband,” to me, is a demographic that includes white boyfriends, white girlfriends, and any type of serious partner who is not Chinese.

The real subtext of the question is that if the White Husbands come, we unfortunately won’t be able to eat the foods we really want to eat.

And even though I no longer have a white husband, it got me thinking: As people who are so particular about our food, how do we navigate the food conflicts that come with entering a multicultural relationship?

So listen up, all you future white husbands! If you want to integrate into your Chinese partner’s family, read these tips carefully, because the dinner table will be the real test of your relationship…

I began my research by asking my Chinese-British friends what the barriers were to their multicultural relationships.

The same complaints kept coming back to me, such as a new partner’s insistence on ordering his own food rather than eating family style, or being picky about trying different foods.

This is all the more emotionally significant because it is a home-cooked “fancy” Chinese dish, meaning that someone’s mother has (usually) been to the market that day to pick out the biggest, freshest snapper or sea bream she can afford.

My friend Y got carried away recounting how her husband, who – when the fish’s head was turned towards him, in the usual gesture of respect towards the guest of honour – could eat nothing but rice and vegetables for the entire meal.

I sympathize with those who never grew up learning to appreciate a whole fish—eyes, gills and all—let alone navigate it with a pair of chopsticks, but I also understand how this struck a chord with Y.

There is nothing wrong with observing what others are drinking and only accepting alcohol if it is offered to you. When in doubt, drink tea.

Some of my friends have felt alienated by their partner’s attitude toward their eating habits.

These attitudes can be as harmless as amusement at the obsession not only with eating food, but with talking about eating food—to the point that you might enjoy a delicious meal while planning the next one—and as disturbing as labeling certain food preferences as weird or disgusting.

I think there are few things sadder in a relationship than not being able to enjoy the same food, or at least not having the same appetite.

There will always be compromises, but I’ve heard of people changing their diet for their partner to the point where it feels like they’re suffering a slow, self-inflicted cultural death.

I was heartened to hear of more triumphs than horror stories. Little white friends, you are in luck; the bar is pretty low for you.

Apparently, all you have to do to impress Chinese parents is use chopsticks correctly, learn a few Chinese expressions of appreciation, and train your stomach to be a bottomless compost bin.

I’ve heard hilarious anecdotes about white boyfriends valiantly making their way through plates that seemed to magically refill themselves. “Freshman 15”—a term that refers to weight gain during a student’s first year of college—has nothing to do with dating a Chinese girl.

For extra points, my friend H taught her husband to eat boneless chicken, signaling to his parents that he has both an epicurean and frugal sensibility.

The same criteria, however, do not apply to white girlfriends, who apparently harbor a masochistic death wish for attempting to date a Chinese mother’s precious baby boy.

According to my friend B, after two months of dating, his German girlfriend was subjected to a merciless interrogation about her plans to have children.

Her physical health became a common concern among the troublemaking aunts; she eventually proved her skills by learning to boil her mother-in-law’s tonic soups.

Ultimately, White Husbands might ask, “Why do we have to do things properly when we eat as a family?” It is not only that food is particularly important in Chinese culture, but also that the dining table is the stage for past, present, and potential family relationships.

Mastering the etiquette and doublespeak of Chinese dining customs can seem as impossible to decipher as the language itself.

It’s a chance to prove that you deserve to be part of the family.

With that in mind, here are my final tips for all the white husbands hoping for a harmonious relationship around food.

If there is no common language, one must speak with actions. Be respectful. Serve elders, children and your partner before yourself. Do not take too much, but do not refuse food either.

Don’t criticize the dishes you like. Compliment your in-laws generously on the dish you like the most, but be careful: they will cook it for you over and over again until you can’t stand it anymore.

Never show up to a meeting empty-handed, even if you think you’re going to be the one footing the bill (it’s not uncommon for fights to break out over payment, but at the same time, I wouldn’t advise you to hit your future father-in-law).

In our culture, we keep metaphorical receipts; imagine a mental ledger that tallies the ongoing exchanges of hospitality. Offering a well-chosen fruit is always considered a thoughtful gesture.

If all else fails, learn from my greatest success: teaching my white husband to call restaurants a day in advance to deposit his credit card.